Life the Way I Love it!

Because you caught my attention

2011-09-15T18:28:00.001+01:00

Description of love is from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin:

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to meet every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away... (Iannis to Pelagia)

Note: there are two versions of this quote, one from the book and a slightly different version from the movie.

Shot time!

2011-08-30T14:02:00.003+01:00

The meaning of 'shot' has changed from an 'alcohol dense liquid in a tiny glass that makes you spin' to immunizations Vivan takes against tongue twisting names of infections and diseases.

Thankfully, he doesn't cry much.

The poor guy has had about 6-7 shots already and has two more to go this month. Then we can rest in peace till "6-9 months". I'm pretty sure I'll be going around 9 months, not sooner.

Its shot time today! Be brave.

Shit, really.

2011-08-30T14:02:00.001+01:00

Sitting on the couch, Vivan hanging on to my two fingers with all his little tiny fingers...huffing and puffing, trying to hurl himself forward to sit up straight.

Suddenly, "Shit, I'm stuck." Well literally, it was shit. I couldn't get up in the fear of his poop dripping all over the sofa. It was disgusting, yet the funniest thing that had happened all day. All I needed was some real shit to change the shitty day I was having.

I haven't stop smiling ever since.

A baby changes your life

2011-08-30T14:00:00.000+01:00

A baby changes your life.

You discover joy and fear can coexist within you, not for moments but for minutes, hours and days together. A baby shakes up your insides, well literally during pregnancy, and continues to do so even after arriving in the world outside. Your life feels so out of control but complete. It really is a strange cocktail of feelings.

After all the initial noise, you settle down into your routine with the baby, and cry. Everyone has gone back to normal life. Your parents and in-laws are back to their lives and come to spend time "only when he is awake", your husband goes back to his work, everyone returns to at least some part of their "normal" life, whereas you are left home with your first child. You may have read a 100 books, but the truth is you have no ***king clue if you're doing the right thing. You discover trust. Trust in yourself. Your baby affirms your trust, by pooping and sleeping right. Simple rewards for a tough life.

Life goes on. Everyday, you look for change. A simple smile or gurgle makes you feel on the top of the world. Every day that passes is a single more day he has grown up. A single more day that you've been a good mom. A great mom, actually. I'm proud of myself.

8th April, 2011... 10:31 am!

2011-08-30T13:59:00.001+01:00

14 hours of labour and one surgery where I was half awake, a baby arrived in this world and a mother was born.

My first child, my life, my soul. Vivan.

Paranoia Uncalled For...PUFFF

2010-12-14T05:08:00.004Z

Now every pregnant woman, especially pregnant "Indian" women are subjected to various degrees of torture related to advice, paranoia and guilt related to their pregnancy.

Whether it is what you wear, what you eat, where you go and what you do - every older woman has something to say about what is the 'right' thing to do now.

Fact being all these "wise" women have been through either one or two or three pregnancies maximum and any pregnant woman with a practical mind knows that each pregnancy is very different from the other.

The only people who really have experience and have seen 100's of women pregnant are gynacs and midwives. Midwives are not so big in the city - so that leaves you with gynacs only.

Recently I've met pregnant women that eat 'kesar' four times a day, drink 3 liters of milk, wear only white clothes, stopped working in the 5th month even though they have a normal pregnancy and basically behave like they are ill or have a disease.

Off course, pregnancy demands special care but today, unlike maybe 25 years ago, there is a myriad of information available. Good books and a selected few authentic websites are great for everyone. So if my mother followed silly advice when she was pregnant, I don't really blame her, because she didn't know any better BUT TODAY when women do stupid things, I blame only them. There are good doctors out there, informative prenatal classes, and good books, so no excuse.

Sometimes when people tell me certain things, I really wonder if they really think I don't care enough about my baby?

Fact being is that I care the most.

Fact being that when they pester you, they don't realize they are hassling the mother, and when the mother gets worked up, it affects the baby.

Im 2/3rd down my journey of pregnancy and I know the finale is yet to come (and be there for life!) but I know one thing already... being in touch with your body, understanding what you need and giving yourself what you need at the right time is the most important thing. And the only people who can help you with this is you yourself and your doctor, and nobody else.

So for all the pregnant women there, I have to end this post with a couple of wise words :)

I have no advice for You, because nobody knows you and your baby better than you.

9 months...and Forever!

2010-12-12T18:49:00.003Z

23 weeks, Day 3

Milestones

6 weeks = Discovered I am pregnant

7 weeks = Heard baby's heart beat for the first time

12 weeks = Discovered baby had a potential problem

20 weeks = Discovered relief. Was told baby is absolutely fine and doing well!

21 weeks = Felt baby kick for the first time

Its been almost 6 months of complete madness. Everything from discovering that I am pregnant especially after a crazy Paris trip where I did everything that I shouldn't be doing in a pregnancy to taking a swine flu injection in my 4th week, to high NTs, hormones, scans scans and more scans, amniocentesis, karyotyping for all, genetic counseling, crazy work scenarios, clothes not fitting, pregnancy classes, random accidents, brother's wedding preparations to moving HOME!

It's been a crazy 6 months.

Till month 5, I did not even know if I was finally going to be a parent or not, but whether I accepted it or not, I knew was a mother already. Praying for my baby's well-being everyday, taking care of myself because it meant taking care of baby including doing silly things I would never have done otherwise only because 'it maybe good for baby'. :)

Its been 6 months of independent decisions: everything from doctor shopping to my decision to continue working.

Its been 6 months of independent thought: most people around me have no clue what I am going through. Most people automatically alienate the company that they cannot relate to anymore. Its happening to me and I do not even want to fight it. I know that some day, they will be where I am, and thankfully, they will have one person who understands them.

Its been 6 months of patience and faith: Every single time I was explained my options when things weren't going right, I truly believed they were just telling the worst case scenario just because they are doctors and that preparing me for the worst was the right thing for them to do.

I will be lying if I say I wasn't scared. I was more scared than I have ever been in my life...because this time, it wasn't only about me. But the only thing that helped me survive is true patience and faith that the final outcome will be what I truly want. All I told myself is that: "Nothing good in life comes easily, have patience. Your faith will never let you down, have patience. " I now know this works for everything.

I am not sure what kind of mother I will be, or what kind of mother I want to be. I don't know whether I will be great or not, I just know that I want to do everything I can in my means to do things right, and have faith and patience that everything will be perfect.

6 months down and 3 more to go, some work to complete, one house to move and Neerav's wedding..and baby will be here. 2011 is going to be an eventful year...I cannot wait.

Hopefully, I will continue writing. There's a lot to do, but not really, till baby arrives. After that, maybe all I will be doing is posting baby pictures.

I've heard they speak a thousand words.

Roller Coaster..

2010-12-12T18:29:00.000Z

If there is one word that describes my life for the last few months: Roller Coaster

Seen castles made out of sand,

Met people who believe that destiny is engraved on the palm of their hand,

Seen people change their faith,

Experience love change into hate.

Seen people get younger with age,

Seen a bird who wouldn't fly out of an open cage,

Seen love sold for money,

People devastated but still funny.

Seen the unicorn fall in love with the toad,

People who owned the city now hitting the road,

I have learnt to expect the unexpected,

Perfection doesn't exist - we're all defective.

Everyone cries - some just hide the tears,

Whether you like it or not - you have to face your fears,

Some believe you're one in a million,

Some believe you're just a nobody in a billion.

Live life with all that you have,

Cherish every moment -happy and sad,

Feel blessed for whatever you are,

Life has its own plans -which aren't always at par.

The Colour of My Sky

2010-07-14T19:46:00.003+01:00

Everyday I woke up,

To a night I hadn't slept,

Broken dreams and black skies,

Holding back tears, unwept.

The timing is confusing,

But the feelings are right,

Before it materializes,

You'll be out of sight.

You sit next to me,

Holding my soul in your hand,

I dream that this will last forever,

If I wave a magic wand.

Tomorrow I'll be gone,

And you'll never know how I feel,

Back to the dark skies,

In reverse I roll my wheels.

Will I ever find the courage to tell?

I know I don't have forever to dwell,

Will I ever see the light of the day?

Please tell me there is another way.

Which way?

2010-06-11T04:59:00.003+01:00

My life...my head...feels like this picture. I know I'll come out alive...but where do I go?

Change is Constant

2010-06-08T13:09:00.000+01:00

Fireworks and stage-fright
They came out alive,
Midnight to breakfast
The adrenaline I survived.

Coffee and kisses
After many near misses,
Dreams in dishes
And kennels full of wishes.

The day that they met yours
My heart knew what it meant,
My eyes never fail me
Its the letter you sent.

The present we live in
And the future we fear,
Till we don't try
It will never be clear.

We put away smiles and serenity
and our minds that cloud,
By minutes and moments
Filled with uncertainty and doubt.

If you've changed your plans
Its okay to tell,
Don't torture yourself
Don't brood, don't dwell.

Change is constant
And it will always be,
Change is constant
And I hope its Me.

So Distant

2010-05-24T16:47:00.000+01:00

One night, so faint but clear,
One memory, so distant but dear..

If she creates a vacuum, will you come to her?
Can you live that night again and make it as real as it were?

Were you being honest or was it a phase?
Was it just fun, while the music played...
You were honest and straight, but you made it die,
Every time you talk, your voice makes her cry...

You listen and try to be a good friend,
You're far away and its all that matters in the end.
You're moving on and she smiles at your steps,
You're moving on, and memories are all she's kept.

One night, so faint but clear,
One memory, so distant but dear..

Work Hard, Play Harder

2010-03-18T05:44:00.009Z

I just had a moment. A Moment Of Realization.

Not a happy moment. I feel like crying. I always labelled Dad as being a workaholic. He became like that when he moved to Pune and E-Square happened. I wish I could say this problem is genetic.

But its not. Its self-induced destruction affecting self, family and friends. A progressive disease that I realise is taking over my life. I read this piece somewhere - and bolded out all the lines that apply to me. I was told to bold them out, announce and accept them, so that I can make a change.

"Workaholics prefer to do most things by themselves rather than ask for help or designate someone else to do it. If they have no choice but to assign a project to someone else, they get impatient when they have to wait. They can't understand why something takes so long. Their definition of the term "too long" is "any time that's not now."

Workaholics keep many irons in the fire and can't understand the relationship between that behavior and the zero leisure time. They are the first one to reach office and last one to leave.

Workaholics believe that "layering" helps them to maximize their productivity. So whatever work they're doing at that moment, they add an extra layer or two on that. For example, they would eat their lunch and write a memo at the same time. If they receive a call during that time, then they would try to do three things all at one time. They overly commit themselves and live in constant frustration for biting off more than they can chew. They're unable to relax because they feel guilty when they are not working on something. Things never seem to move fast enough or get done fast enough for them. They lose their temper when things don't work out according to their time line.

Research has shown that people on average, spends 98% of the waking time in thinking about the past or the future and only 2 % in the present. A workaholic spends 99% of the time mentally planning and thinking about the future tuning out the here and now. Thus, only 1 % of the time is divided between the present and the past.

Workaholics spend more thought, time, and energy into their work than they do into their relationships with their loved ones. They tend to forget, ignore, or undermine birthdays, anniversaries, reunions, or other important social events.

Have you heard anyone on his/her death-bed to say, "I wish I had spent more time in my office?"

So I am now officially apologizing - to everyone who have suffered the consequences of this self-inflicted problem of mine.

Sorry. I had my moment. Its time to change.

Everyday

2009-12-28T01:49:00.002Z

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt before.
Dance like nobody's watching you.
Sing like nobody's listening to you.
Live like its paradise on Earth Today...Everyday.

- Dad's words of wisdom

Pick Up and Move On

2009-12-25T04:24:00.000Z

This piece of blog is about why I beleive in Pick Up and Move On...and its a little confession block too :)

Everytime things dip, I feel a rush of emotions ranging from crankiness, irritability, depression, hurt to...anger. Then in a flash I tell myself 'Pick Up and Move On'.

I remind myself that what has happened - has already happened. I can't change it. But 'I can change the way I FEEL right now'. Yayaya....loads of people have said this to you and me before - but having 'practised' what is 'preached' makes the 'ideal' saying 'real'.

There's another thing that I realised that I subtly (or evidently) do when things dip. All those emotions I feel - they spill over on people around me. And realising that actually made me feel worse. Imagine Saurabh or Tanya having to deal with my crabby mood because I feel ill/tired or because the AC guys left the wiring open. No fault of theirs, but their mood ruined - because of me. Even if I didn't ruin their mood, the people I care for are upset because I am upset. And what am I upset over - some things which really don't matter in the big picture? I decided no matter what happens, Pick Up and Move On. The illness will go away and I will keep sleep...and the AC guys can be called back to fix things. So when something doesn't go my way, I do two things.
1) Accept - I accept the fact that it hasn't happened the way I'd like it to.
2) Act - What can I do now to fix it?
And things WILL go fine. And they will get done. And I will be happy. And I'll have enough happiness to spill over to everyone around me.

There's another pattern I noticed about me a couple of months back which made me realise that 'I am not the only one working in life'. Yes, we don't make buildings, or design them, or sell them. We don't run a restaurant or hotel or a theater. We have a very atypical business. Its emotionally high strung whereas ResQ is concerned and requires hardwork whereas TPP is concerned. Our lives are centered around it to a great extent. A lot of people find it interesting, a lot of people think we rattle on about our work. Dogs are more fun to talk about as compared to buildings. There are more stories, more atypical incidents. And we're full of passion so it reflects in our talk. But sometimes, we forget that everyone else does work too. And they're passionate about it as well, its just that they don't have stories to tell all the time. And they get tired from work too, but complain less. I complain more - so I'm going take a raincheck one this habit of mine and Pick myself Up for everyone around me who works just as hard as I do, but complains less :)

Confessions made. End of Post.
Have a nice day guys :)

New York, New York

2009-07-10T21:34:00.000+01:00

The 'phenomena' you see in the picture - Times Square, a major intersection in Manhattan, NY.

So people put up chairs in the middle of the road and just chill. My first time at Times Square, I'm not sure what to look out for. I start wondering if somethings going to happen...a parade, a match on the screen, maybe someone famous is going to pass by. Nothing.

I conclude = they're sitting in the middle of the road, checking out...nothing.

Colourful billboards, Broadway theaters, hundreds of people walking past. I guess people find the colours and animated billboards spectacular..........but for a minute if you just think about them as hoards of shiny ads, the people there staring at them really start looking retard. (This hopefully justifies my expression in the picture).

Maybe having lived in Bombay does this to you - crowds don't fascinate you anymore, traffic becomes routine, colours in every form (people and surroundings) have already consumed you long ago.

Times Square - fascinating for many, bizarre for me.

That's all I got

2009-05-31T19:49:00.002+01:00

Did I interpret or did I not?
Sooner or later -
You're gonna get caught.

This isn't a robbery or any crime,
What's there to lose,
When this poem has a rhyme.

Until you tell me or make it clear,
I dont not know
Which way I can steer.

You show me direction and you give me thought,
Of you, right now -
That's all I got.

Reflections

2009-04-02T10:28:00.003+01:00

I see upset faces, frustration and questions at times "why cant these people work together?" or "what's this person's problem?" or "it is so frustrating - why is this person always complaining!"......As days pass, the more I see the way my organisation is functioning and the more I hear about people discussing their work environments, I continuously find myself reflecting on the words of a dear friend.

I can't type out the exact words - 'coz I don't remember them - what I do remember is the message it carried.

You may be a single enterpreneur or a group that started a company or organisation - but everyone working along with you - whether at the same level or not, is an important part of your team. Every single person is a contributor to the final outcome of the work that your company/organisation does. And that's why it is so important that the 'right' people are on board with you.

The right and the wrong people - over time with experience each one of us learns to select individuals who not only are technically capable of doing the job, but also come with an understanding of the company's as well as its founder's beleifs and values.

Over time I have learnt that:

people who are 'problem finders' are less valuable than 'problem finders and fixers'
people who express their grievances openly at the right time are much more valuable than the ones who silently suffer and complain to themselves
people who are 'not so qualified but willing to learn' are sometimes more valuable than ones who are 'highly qualified but arrogant'

The problem is you. The solution is you. Have you heard this one before?

Every obstacle that I face with THE PAWS PACK and RESQ, I boil it down to two questions.

1) How did I contribute to this problem?
- Did I tolerate the problem before and now its getting intolerable?
-Did I hire the wrong person?
-Did I provide the person with all the tools he/she required to do his job right?
-Did I not communicate well enough?
With every problem that I face.... I find myself drawn to a point where I have directly or indirectly contributed to the problem.

2) What can 'I' do to solve this problem?
Once I come to terms with the fact that I may have directly or indirectly contributed to the problem - I feel no shame in fixing my own problem and then I have a problem solved :)

The funny thing is that from the time I have started this, things seem to have fallen in place. Every now and then, there are hiccups, but I'm realising its getting easier to solve every time. I spend so much time focusing on solutions, that every time a new problem comes up - I'm starting to find solutions faster.

So, everytime you're stuck with a problem - convince yourself that the problem and the solution is you - and that you are the only one who can control how you feel.

The Website!

2008-12-03T18:56:00.001Z

www.thepawspack.org

The Paws Pack Website.....finally :) Check it out !

Rabies - does it still exist in our city?

2008-12-02T13:06:00.004Z

Two days ago, I got a call from Shibani (one of our volunteers) who got a call from Model Colony about a dog that was stuck under a car and was not moving. I was at another rescue in Khadki when Shibani called me. The one in Khadki was a distemper case, it was on its last stage. I put that roady pup, about 5 months old, on the back seat of my car and rushed to Model Colony. The dog under the car was a full grown female who looked like she had just delivered puppies not very long ago. ‘Swati’ as the people around the area called the dog, hid herself under a scrapped car (at an auto mechanics place). We had to jack up the car. Swati was continuously snapping at us when we tried approaching her. Finally we took a stick, which she held between her teeth. She locked in on the stick – which we pulled out along with her. She was a difficult one to muzzle. I do not know what came over me – helplessness along with an adrenaline rush. I would not be able to help this dog if we couldn’t catch her. So I went with my instinct, grabbed her by the scruff, pretty hard to ensure that she can’t turn around and bite me. Priyanka muzzled her up. I knocked her and down and put her in my car and went off to Dr. Tulpule’s. The puppy I picked up from near Khadki Railway was on final stage distemper. She was put to sleep. Swati was observed for 24 hours. She showed all signs of Rabies. Yes, it still exists in our city. She was put to sleep. All the other dogs in the area were vaccinated and the girl who looks after them has also gone and got herself vaccinated. She’s keeping a vigilant eye for any other cases in the area. I think this was a very one off case.

As much as authorities would like to beleive that PMC Limits is rabies-free...I'm not so sure!

I'm going to miss you SNOWY...

2008-12-02T13:04:00.000Z

We kept getting calls about a Pomeranian that was abandoned near Shivajinagar. Another call about a Pomeranian running helter-skelter over the university flyover. Finally the last call from near Loyola School near Pashan that there is a Pomeranian with a broken leg. Before the Loyola call, we could respond to the previous calls as we are not a shelter. We did ask people to call shelters but I don’t think anyone did. Snowy was then admitted in our rescue kennels. It is quite sad that Snowy ended up in an accident and only then we got her, but we had no choice. If we start picking up healthy animals (abandoned pets = stray animals for us) it would be endless and we’d have no space left (we as it is have Only 6 kennels!). SNOWY is one of the most gentle and amazing Pomeranians I have ever known. Like I said earlier, Pomeranians are my least preferred breed, but Snowy is an exception. Snowy’s right hind femur was in two pieces. This dog has such a beautiful temperament that we did not need to sedate her or muzzle her a single time while treating her. Snowy was a complicated case – she needed a surgery that veterinary doctors in our city could not perform. So, we asked a human orthopedic surgeon to do it. Dr Sachin Tapasvi, an animal lover and someone who has supported us and our work from the day we first went to him for help, was willing to operate on Snowy. We waited for a few days till Snowy was fit to operate. The surgery went off well, and Snowy kept her cast beautifully. She was easy to handle and made no fuss at the kennel. She enjoyed her chewies and was perfectly toilet trained. I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHY SUCH AN AMAZING DOG would ever be abandoned. She was definitely not lost – because when we gave an ad in the paper about her, no one called to claim her. No one had reported a missing Pomeranian to any vets in the area. Snowy’s fracture healed very well and it was time for us to be happy and worry again. Happy because she was doing great. We were worried because we didn’t know what to do with her after she became fit. So I called Pune Mirror and requested them to put Snowy’s story and ask if anyone wanted to adopt her. This is when I was expecting someone to call and say ‘our dog got lost, thank you for looking after her, we’ll come and take her’. No call of that sort – however after many calls from students and some breeders (!!) I got a call from a lady called Mrs. Viveka Fernandes who told me she had kept two Pomeranians before who had died of old age, and had decided to not keep any more because it was too painful to lose them. However, after reading about Snowy she decided to see Snowy and take her in. It was best news I had heard in ages. We gave Snowy a bath, brushed her up and drove over to Mrs. Fernandes’s house who fell in love with her. We took Snowy back and told her we’d get her after a few days after we neuter her and give her some physiotherapy and a good haircut! So Snowy now has a home and will go next week! Perfect ending for a perfect dog. I’m going to miss Snowy, a Lot.

German Shepherd Rescue near FC Road

2008-12-02T13:01:00.000Z

A lazy Sunday afternoon I get a call from Leena that she’s spotted a german shepherd near FC Road that’s just collapsed in the middle of the road. It wouldn’t move and had caused a major traffic jam. She said it was snapping if you went too close it. [If you ask me my favourite breed in dogs, it would be the mixed/pariah/roady/whatever you want to call them (!) – if you ask me my least preferred breed it would be the Pomeranian – if you ask me if which breed I’m afraid of (yes, there is one breed that just makes me uncomfortable) – it would be the german shepherd] SO now I have to go in the middle of the road, move this big ‘abandoned’ german shepherd (GSD) off the street…I’ll be honest, I did freak out a little bit. As I drove there thoughts about why this dog could be abandoned and landed up in this condition just ran through my head over and over again. Was it very aggressive which is why the owners left it or did it have a medical problem which the owners maybe didn’t want to deal with? I reach there and find that this beautiful animal was lying helplessly in the middle of the road. My fear went flying out of the window and all I wanted to do was to help the poor thing. Priyanka and me somehow managed to muzzle the dog, I gave it a sedation shot, picked it up with Leena and Priyanka’s help and brought it onto the footpath. While I was waiting for the dog to completely get knocked out with the sedation – I noticed a young boy, maybe 8 or 9 years old, standing next to his mother. He started crying bitterly because he thought the dog was dead. I was so touched by this boy – very few children I know feel so sensitively for animals. I know many who love dogs – but very few who ‘care’ so much for a ‘hurt animal’. I told him that the dog was only sleeping and not dead…he looked relieved and started playing and patting one of the strays around. Once the GSD went to sleep, I put him in my car and drove over to Dr.Tulpule. We discovered that the dog had a tumour lodged to his chest bone. The tumour was hard and was the size of a FOOTBALL. All the muscles in his body has atrophied (wasted) and he looked like he was just a bunch of bones put together. Dr. Tulpule said he looked very old and was probably abandoned because of the tumour. He said if we tried to operate, the dog would maybe die on the operation table. Yet, it was worth a try. Then we thought, ok after we operate it – what are we going to do? How do we leave this animal back on the streets? Also, do we know if the cancer has spread? The dog was in a miserable condition. I wish this dogs owners had just put this dog to sleep peacefully and mercifully instead of abandoning him. The dog passed away in Dr. Tulpule’s clinic.

When it rains......it pours!

2008-12-02T12:40:00.006Z

Its been a longggg time since I last wrote! As days pass, as more people get aware of the rescue helpline number (9890334433) the more the number of dog rescues increase. However, the cases are still the same = most end up on our doorstep when its too late, and you have to end up doing the difficult job of putting them at peace. There is equal number of rescues that we manage to get back to full health – release or re-home. Every bad case leaves you with a feeling of emptiness and despair whereas every good case leaves you with hope and smiles.

There are days when I start questioning myself how much I can take. I act like I’m sitting on an emotional rollercoaster. When I’m on a rescue, I’m on the rollercoaster. The ride is sometimes pleasant and sometimes not so pleasant. I get off the rollercoaster and get back to other aspects of my life. The ride even though it’s over, sometimes leaves you feeling giddy.

So, after 2 years of this, I have started feeling like I’m connected to a switchboard.
ON – and I’m on emergency mode
OFF – and I’m back to being my crazy normal self.

L.O.S.T

2007-09-07T20:16:00.000+01:00

A little lost - is how I feel
This constant bickering - is a nightmare, not my dream
It all feels right and then so wrong
Love seems so distant, its been so long.

Its been a while since I turned pink,
Since I stared long enough to make me blink,
Its been a while since you made me laugh,
Why do I feel like this - why do I feel reduced to half?

Our pictures tell a story of a long time ago,
Is it a fable, do we exist anymore?
The pencils blunt and the paper's getting old,
We're reduced to a classic love story, binded and sold.

You look puzzled - almost confused,
You have no clue - and I'm not amused,
I do not fancy asking to get..
The thought of asking is what I dread.

Got no courage, I fear the fall,
I'll be alone - will risk it all..
Too precious to try painting - is it worth the call?
Can't bear the thought of losing, My Transparent Wall.

What is Life Without You..

2007-06-30T09:06:00.000+01:00

You made me cry, because we are apart..

You left me in tears, you’ve entered my heart..

It wasn't your fault, I guess it was mine..

For love can't be forced,

neither our mind.

I've tried more than once, to get over you..

But you make it so hard, with cute things you do..

I thought love was a good feeling,but I've got nothing to gain..

just sorrows and tears and a little more pain..

The day the pain started, reality came too.

It was the day I realized .....

What is Life Without You?

Life in a.............M.E.T.R.O!

2007-06-18T19:58:00.000+01:00

Life in a Metro (Life): Too many choices. Too many dreams. Not enough sleep.

Life in a Metro (The Movie) : A very witty look at the insensitivities of city life.

Rahul (Sharman Joshi): Young..a Dreamer..has a 'key' that leads him to success..sincere participant in the rat race of life..he's not on a morning jog. Very Cute.

Neha (Kangana Ranaut): Stupid..Sl*tty..'Target:Boss'.....mission accomplished?=Out of turn promotions, business class travel yada yada.. Outcome of messed up childhood? Settles down in the end, whew. [Someone please tell his girl to JUST dress up and look cute - and NOT open her mouth to speak dialogues]

Shikha (Shilpa Shetty...the Hot Shilpa Shetty): Hot.. Real. I think most women would do what she did in the movie..stick to the children and family no matter what. I don't know if that's right or wrong in the given conditions...but well, a point of view well justified. Marriage is for keeps. [though I completely loathe her male chauvanist pig husband in the movie]

Ranjeet (Kaykay Menon): Male chauvanist pig.. Horrible man.. No sympathies for this man..in the end, he returns home, beaten down and depressed after the mistress left him!! However, fabulous actor.

Aakash (Shiney Ahuja): Rebel. Loser. Blooming love affair with the hottie Shetty which dies in the budding stage only :) Poor guy...didn't even get a decent kiss after alllllll those weeks.

Amol (Dharmendar): No comments. Old man come back to get his 'girlfriend' that he left years ago. Elopes with her from the old age home...Comes up with these urdu shaairiesss...yikes?

Vaijanthi (Nafisa Ali): Beautiful, even at this age..simply beautiful. Natural. Inspiring..says this one dialogue about keeping yourself open to love. Its all around you - you'll get it if you're ready to recognise it and truly accept it.

Debu (Irfan Khan): AWESOME. What an actor!! Total dumb-ass in the movie..but tohtally adorable. Funny, irritating...just the kind of person you really want to avoid, but the kind that's soooo genuine and good at heart (and unbeleivably smart), that he's the only one that completely wins you over.

Shruti (Konkana Sen): Average looking working city girl... NORMAL. Really funny in the film..but the sensible kinds. Almost 30 year old virgin haha.. but a Great actress :)

On the whole...
Everyone's chasing their happiness...short term initially and finally long term.
Realisation dawns on everyone....emotions and practicality.

What came out of this movie for me..
If you love-Say you love. Do what you have to-regardless of any other situation you're in..its about realising where your happiness lies, chasing it and keeping it. For Life. We 'love' time and again..but consciously we 'live' just once, we all deserve our share of happiness and being the makers of our own destiny, it depends on You to go out there and Get It.

Sunrise

2007-05-26T17:14:00.001+01:00

Cannot kiss the sunrise at dawn,
I’m feeling gagged – when I’m singing the song,
My dream doesn’t end - it lives through the dark,
In night’s pitch-blackness - he lights the only spark.

Cannot let go of the memories
I’m living the days – when it started with a bang,
Incomplete dreams – never ending hope,
In the thread’s tightest moments – we easily broke.

Difficult dealing with my feelings
I’m waiting for the day – when you risk taking the chance
Will you ask for my love – and complete the song?
Is this going to take forever - are you going to make me wait for long?

Will wait for as long as it takes....
For your eyes to open
And my dreams to realise
For the moment I can actually
Kiss the Sunrise

2007-05-02T15:15:00.000+01:00

I'm a slow-learner in life.

I make mistakes 'unlimited'....and take my own sweet time to learn.

Sometimes I make them again, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I get implusive and fall.

Sometimes I over-analyse ...and yet fall.

Through all the falls, I've got plenty of scratches, bruises and cuts (close scrapes and deep wounds included) along the way but I'm yet walking...perfectly fine :))

My personal life has been a rollercoaster...its been one helluva ride! Scary moments-exciting moments....moments of despair-smiling moments :)

Besides people questioning my lurrrrrve life, the other question I'm most frequently asked is: So what do you do now?

Over the last few months in treating my life like an exam question paper, I've had to make some choices:

When I was in the UK....

Q. What are my options after Masters?

a) Stay back in Sheffield, look for a job

b) Go back to India, look for a job

c) Study further, get a PhD

Ans. (b)

[I love India. Regardless of whether I did a job abroad, I was definitely coming back here, so it made sense that I start from point zero now, than start from the same point after couple of years.]

After I came back to India in September'06.....

Q. What kind of work should I get into?

a) Hospital

b) Research
c) Food Industry

Ans. (c)

[Don't like the Dietician in the Hospital scene in India , Nutrition Research in India...nahhhh . Let's try the Food Industry = EnSigns Health Care happened]

February '07....

Q. What is my calling?

a) Go for a PhD

b) EnSigns Health Care - Nutritionist & Business Development Manager

c) Dial-to-ResQ : 24 hour Animal Support in Emergency

d) Pet Adoption Programs

e) Pet Management Company

f) Animal Lost & Found

g) Dog Shelter

h) Pet Hosteling

Ans. (c,d,e,f,g,h) So there's my calling.

I'm yet writing a diet column, will part-time practice clinical dietetics at a reputed gym and do consultation. Freelance. I love dogs. Can't see one in pain. A lot of people are passionate about dogs, but they don't go about quitting their jobs. So...Why did I quit my job?

There exist a lot of people who want to do a lot for animals, but not everyone has the time. People need a platform to contribute...and there is none in this city. (The organizations exist, but the number of people that reach out TO help and FOR help are so few)

So, all we're (The Paws Pack- the company that Tanya & me formed) trying to do is create a platform for people to contribute in their own way, whether it is their time, contacts or skills.

I'm giving a shot at something I love to do...and there is no failing, because everytime I help an animal, it is satisfaction beyond explanation :)

So this is what I do now. Options (c,d,e,f,g,h) are now my choices.

I don't know whether I'll get a good score on my exam paper, but going by my instinct, it just feels right.

Pune....'Driving' me crazy?

2007-05-02T07:39:00.000+01:00

This city......is unbeleivable.

My hardcore bombay heart didn't exactly find its way here, but has fallen in love with the city.........however this blog isn't about how eating-sleeping-breathing-bombay-neha now loves Pune.

It is about how this city is going to get me killed one day.

Road sense / conduct /discipline - driving sense - respect for public property??? I think 90% people in this city have Never heard of these words (if they've heard, they have no clue what the words mean!!).

No Entry = Perfectly Fine to drive straight through (especially when everyone else in front of you is doing so!

Roads, no matter what direction or lane.. you can use every road in BOTH DIRECTIONS with your bloody headlights full beam!!!

If the corporation has put SOLID CEMENT DIVIDERS (almost 4 ft!!) to facilitate smooth traffic movement = BREAK THEM DOWN so that the two wheelers can swarm through!!

The AMBER SIGNAL means = Either you can just make it, or its time to slow down and stop........however in this city the AMBER signal tells the others waiting at RED thats its time to go [ I learnt this the hard way - if your signal is AMBER - YOU CANNOT MAKE IT - THE OTHER GUYS HAVE ALREADY STARTED MOVING...moving??=nahhh...driving pseudo ferraris!!! ]

I could go on and my experiences are endless....but I'm going to stop here. 'Coz the fact is that I can go on cribbing and writing here BUT its still the same out there.

Maybe I compare it to Bombay, which is more disciplined driving....but how difficult is to drive on the right side of the road? to not shoot out of somewhere? give a signal before switching lanes? waiting for your signal to turn green? not break down barricades and dividers??

No point cribbing - so I will use traditional therapy when all else fails...PRAY.
Pray that I don't get killed or kill someone while driving.
Pray that sense prevails and people stop driving me crazy and driving like crazy :)

2007-04-19T09:52:00.000+01:00

The Night, The Kite - It's Him

2007-04-15T09:42:00.000+01:00

It was my life - dark as night,
You were the moon - my shining light,
The night is over - the sun has risen,
Yet in the sky - my moon, you're out of vision.

Why do we love - when it causes pain?
Why do we give a shot - every single time we drain?
Do we ever give up...ever lose hope?
Is it love or the loss with which you cannot cope?

We built our castles in the air

But to fly so high..did we dare?

Fell so hard - more than three times twenty,

Questions unanswered - a million more than plenty.

Now the wind is strong - the sky is clear,

Our kite's flying high with the string he steers,

The trick I learnt - is to not hold on so tight,

Let the wind complement you...its the Wind we musn't fight.

Forces of nature - invincible,

Battling with them - impossible,

Its got its own plan - to balance us out,

It makes sure we get water - when life presents drought.

Be a slow learner,

But never lose faith,

Trust me, He's got a plan

A.N.D...its totally worth the wait! :)

The Paws Pack

2007-04-10T20:46:00.000+01:00

.................................... FINALLY!!!

Thank You

2007-03-23T10:21:00.000Z

I haven't been in a mood to write since a while...but a dear friend of mine just wrote some poetry which I Had to put up here. Talent must always be appreciated :)

So from Anonymous to the world, here goes......

you walked, you fell, you tripped yourself,
guess its time to change that photo on your shelf.
you gave it a shot done all that you could,
you tried real hard, and tried real good.

ofcourse it hurts and you feel like crying,
there's nothing u can do apart from trying,
to stop those tears from dampening your cheek.
do remember that after a low there's always a peak.

you promised to treat it as a fling if you must,
life's cruel lessons are really unjust.
you are strong and you will bounce back,
but dont ever venture on that beaten track.

you have over a hundred suitors a year,
people whispering sweet nothings in your batty ear,
when life give u lemons, make lemonade,
and watch these painful memories forever fade.

dont look back at the one that got away,
there is a beautiful new sunrise every day,
you will find that perfect soul mate,
trust me we only get whats in our fate.

you deserve better like you rightly said
let bygones be bygones, buried and dead
start by smiling and erase that frown
let all the world know men cant keep you down

so stand up straight and throw ur head back,
and laugh at the fools who dont know what they lack,
coz when he made you god broke the mould,
gave you a brain miniscule but a heart of gold.

the moral of this poem my dear lass,
is do not worry, this too shall pass.
i dont say it to preach nor say it in jest,
but trust me god always smiles at those i like best.

believe me when i say this....
for whatever lil time we have known each other,
and whatever is the bond that we forged,
i would sleep easier knowing that you are ok,
so lemme know that things are better,
and that ur happy, smiling and chirping away.
coz thats the yammo i have always known,
and hope to see that way....forever.
coz when things get ugly do remember that i am here,
to make those lil problems disappear.

I think I'll also use this space to say what I want to tell the writer of the above--> "Thank You ;) for ALWAYS being there!"

R.O.A.D.A.S.I.A.N.S

2007-03-11T19:41:00.000Z

"Roadasian...Whats that?!" *

This picture is a of a Dog ((puppy!)) that most people would call.......Mongrel..Junglee kutta ..Stray dog..Street Dog..Mixed Breed...and I've even heard them being classified as "Not-Distinct"... allright it isn't distinct what "breed" the dog is... Its like when you're parents are from different castes/religons etc etc.. And hey! technically Im a mixed breed too 'coz my father is Gujrati & mother Kutchi...its just that I have a mouth to speak and say 'my father yada yada my mother yada yada.........'. Whereas this dudette above probably has a champion rottweiler in her bloodline, who knows?!

I Now call them *Roadasians = One, 'coz it sounds cool to me. Two,their origins... they were born on the road :)

Today I went to Animal Farm again...I had two dogs to definitely see on my agenda..

Honey...

...has cancer.

She's over 7 years old..Golden Retreiver..Probably lived her life (~49-50 human years) in super comfort..she has a tumour which is exposed..her owners decided they don't want her...and so now she spends the rest of her life on Animal Farm. Dogs that have lived on the streets are survivors, but why give a dog all the luxuries of the world, and then abandon her one day when you Know she's dying? But hey, check the spirit, can you see her smile in the picture?

Whitey...

Is 6 months old...and she's beautiful.

She reminds me of Toffee..my dog in Bombay...white, has toffee coloured patches, SAME face.. just slimmer and longer.. my toffee back home has become a jaadi gujju dog thanks to my dadi and her insistence on feeding her gujrati food !

Guys, she's vaccinated, sterilized ...and she has a Terrific spirit. If you know anyone who'd want her... (and she can be pre-trained)...please Let ME Know..this is one dog I really want to find a place for. I try very hard to keep my emotions aside...if I Could I Would want to adopt every single dog. There are loads of them, please let me know if anyone is considering adopting a dog, or even buying a pedigree, there are loads of pedigrees abandoned for reasons unexplained!

Anyway.... I need to write some articles on "Stress & Diet"....and since my mind is so preoccupied with my doggy dreams.... just thought I'll use this space to enlighten some souls on the benefits of keeping a Dog with respect to Stress Management:

1) Dogs improve your mood: Its virtually IMPOSSIBLE to stay in a bad mood when a pair of loving puppy eyes meet yours...

2) Dogs control blood pressure better than medicine: Its true. ACE inhibiting drugs can help control your high BP but pets help control the sudden spikes and falls due to stress and tension.

3) Dogs make you active and encourage you to exercise: I assume anyone whose reading this blog is smart enough to know the "benefits of being active/exercising".

4) Dogs help you socialise: a) You're not lonely anymore, they do provide unconditional love. b) You get out, walking a dog makes you approachable, people talk :)

5) Dogs are Listeners: From personal experience, here's the kind that Listens and doesnt pass judgements. And hey, don't think they don't understand...they may not understand why your boyfriend fought with you, but they do understand you're Feeling sad... and that you could do with a nudge, a lick or a cuddle. Power of talking with friends is something we all know about..... here's one kind that'll listen - no matter what.

It’s important to realize that owning a dog isn’t for everyone. Dogs do come with additional work and responsibility...which can bring its own stress. However, for most people, the benefits of having a dog outnumber the drawbacks. Having a furry best friend can reduce stress in your life and bring you support when times get tough. Think about it?

I've Hit........the Transparent Wall

2007-03-03T13:50:00.000Z

Rushing with excitement, bubbling makes me fall
Spilling every bean - I just want to talk it out…
But there’s no one there to call.

The light starts closing in on me; in the dark cellar I stand tall
Waiting for your hand to reach out to me…
I freeze - I feel a cold wall.

A story to share, days, thoughts float by
You’re unaware, and then you wonder why….
You’re so clueless - The moments, the minutes, they’ve gone, they fly.

No stars or moon or velvet sky,
A smile- ten minutes…
Thats all it takes to get me high.

The bright sun’s setting,
The tides are low…
What is it going to take – to make us grow?

I’m scared to step back,
Can’t handle the fall….
Please show me colour – You transparent wall.

My First Love..........not a Man

2007-02-26T10:46:00.000Z

Now I'm sure the title of this blog has caught your attention, and your dirty minds are already thinking, read on for some disappointment and some truth.

When I was in 7th grade, I fell in love with the computer. It was this 486 desktop that started with the Energy sign and all... It rocked..I sat with it for hours and just wanted to press every icon and discover what happened. Ok, most of us began with computers that way....so why I am writing this blog.

Well, I just thought its high time I Confess my love for the computer to the computer (very bad joke)...

I have never been without a comp from the age of 15..so its been a long 9 year relationship...

This is the convo I just had with someone:
(Pssssst.... 'N' is me, off course :))

T: thats so cool, you have to teach me man
N:no worries, it looks proffessional na
T:totally
T: i love the address tab at the bottom also, you formatted the document so quick
N: yeah its called 'footer' hehe...im a little format queen
T: totally
N: u know wot, i may not be the neatest girl in the room, but my comp and my documents are very organised - what consolation heh
T: your dad should see it
N:u know i never went to a comp class, i just love the comp.. i cud marry my laptop if it had feelings hahahahaha
T: you have officially lost it
N: first love never dies ....unconditional love... i love it whether it disappears my files, whether it hangs up on me, whether it throws tantrums..u know DLL errors and all...
T: you are really scaring me now, i have never seen anyone so crazy abt a comp,i just use it for whatever it is, but i have no clue abt how to use half the things on it
N: u see, thats why the comp is so special... no matter how much time i spend with it.. im always discovering something new about it... mysterious and all
T: Christ!! You're crazy...maybe if you felt like that abt a guy....?
N:fine, reality check
T: awwwwwww

The conversation kinda ended at awwww... There's another friend who thinks I'm 'love-deprived' when I talk about the comp the same way...

I spend maximum time with my computer.. work or fun, my day begins with turning it on and checking my e-mail and the last thing I do is check my mail and turn it off... In the last 9 years, there have been exactly two weeks (my graduation in UK) that I was away from it... but besides that I've been faithful :)

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO THINK I'M an A.D.D.I.C.T.....
... I dont care :)

The Transparent Wall

2007-02-09T20:10:00.000Z

A blank wall stared,
I had a bad fall..
But I'd pick myself up..
At his beck and call.

He told me to hang in there..
His words kept me going..
Showed me life's simplest pleasures..
My world started flowing..

In a direction I found..
The compass kept showing..
Winding ways - tear filled bays
He found my smile..life was moving

A song I didn't know I could hear..
A wheel I thought I didn't know how to steer..
He taught me a lesson
He said don't give it all..
Give only what u Get - before u fall.

Love is a strong word,
Which can be replaced only by hate,
Before I make up my mind,
I should watch and wait.

His feelings that are ever changing..
His words that he goes back on..
His smile irresistible....
I'm on my guard - for that transparent wall.

Lost in Transit

2007-02-02T06:33:00.000Z

Last night I saw Parzania... I don't entirely trust print & visual media because its all 'edited'... BUT the movie showed a lot more to me than where the Godhra riots ended in my head. I was probably sitting cozily in my home, reading the headlines 'Riots in Gujarat....xyz number killed'. It simply ends for us there.

Our country...Where politicians make the rules, draw the lines...Where cops do their job of 'dogs' perfectly = 'Lick' the politicians(*) ass, 'Bark' at the people when instructed, and 'Bite' whoever their Master(*) tells them to regardless of whether the person being attacked is guilty or innocent. Senseless mutts. Riots and all, I don't know, but my first hand experience of getting away by paying some 50 Rs for breaking signals, makes everything else beleivable. Money-walks-bullshit-talks. Or is it about power? I d.o.n.t. know but what I do know is that there is someone being lost in transit the whole time..thanks to the big game.

The Big Game --> Whether its Parzan from the riots, or the little baby from the orphanage who holds out her arms for me to pick her.. is simply Lost. Everything stems from the big game...

So what are you and me? A part of it? connected to the players? supporting the players? I think at times most of us remain as the crowd watching the game. Its a shitty game, foul play and politics. We Sit. We watch. The game goes on.... it needs to stop, any suggestions?

In L.O.V.E....

2007-01-15T17:14:00.000Z

with Atif...

Till yesterday, Sunday 14th Jan, I had heard 4 songs of Atif Aslam...Woh Lamhe-Aadat-Doorie-Tere Bin.

Then I heard him sing it live....rockstar. Fell in love with his voice and the way he moved on stage. Saw him up close in person. Fell in love with him....hopelessly.

Finally, I can relate to the craze. The craze that celebs attract. Always seen stars, but never been struck. For the first time ever, I'm totally struck by a celebrity.

I can't write more. Stumped. Speechless....and tohhhhhhtally kicked about being lucky enough to dance with him!!!!!!!!

Life or Something Like it....

2007-01-09T12:08:00.000Z

Is it choice or chance that determines our destiny?

The nutritionist in me chooses to start eating wise...prevent future health problems, but in my tryst with destiny, if I'm meant to die of a heart attack, how much Omega-3 is really going to help me?

Every other day we hear of incidents where people leave their bodies (I'm going to avoid using the word 'die' because I completely believe in the eternity of the soul)...I'm a little inclined to touch this tangent because losing my friends, friends losing friends and unexplained happenings have always just made me want to know about what we term as 'death' (which explains the voracious reading I have done on this subject).

Death ends a life, not a relationship. Sufism says 'When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul laughs for what it has found'...I no more spend time in remorse when I hear that someone has left their body, for I 'know' they are in a better place than I am right now...and Happier than anyone reading this blog right now is. There's no suffering where the soul is, the grief is here... for people that are left behind BECAUSE there are Lessons to be learnt (and lessons are Always tough, whether they’re 6th grade history lessons or these terrible lessons that life teaches whether you want to learn or not!) Lessons - to not Hate, to Love, to say you Love, to Forgive, to Forget, to Do, and to Try everything that you Fear...because there's really not much to lose. If you don’t, you Gain too = you gain Regret. Life is as long or as short as you want it to be.

People say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when people say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day that has already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance.

Da Vinci said 'Our life is made by the death of others'... it makes me wonder? I often hear people planning for years...pushing aside their 'now' in hope of a pretty 'future’…letting family take a backseat, spending time looking for the ‘p.e.r.f.e.c.t one’ for them, without realizing what fate is laying out right in front of their eyes. ...Sounds so cliché to say 'live for the present' blah blah blah...However, the sudden death of someone I don't even know (What I do know is that You're with God, Rest in Peace) has just made me confirm my belief that now is what I 'should' want to live for. Implementation is a difficult task, but I'm realizing its not an impossible one. *one of the those sticking-tongue-out-yellow-smileys fit here*

I do believe that it is in moments of decision that our destiny is shaped. Live it up. Live it right.

Year 2006: A Quick Review

2007-01-03T17:34:00.000Z

The below isn't in choronological order, but its all what 2006 was for me:

Finished my Masters, and attended the convocation ceremony...the Gown-the Hat-I Lurrrrved it all!
Fell in Love? ;)
Forgave some, Forgot some :)
Made some friends that I know will stay till the day I die!
Moved 'Home' with parents...as good as it gets!
Got two lovely dogs....Don and Zara.
'Nutritionist & Business Development Manager' my first 'proper' job :)

Do not remember 'everything' that happened, but I do know it was the most eventful and memorable year of my life.... AND IT FLEW!!!!!

Men are....

2006-12-28T07:58:00.000Z

......Funny.

Someone said 'You always admire what you really don't understand' :)

He's getting marriage proposals, met the girls (1) parents, about to meet the girl the next day, but asks another girl (2) to marry him. She's not interested in marriage at the moment and tells him that. In the next few sentences he reveals that just a week ago, he got pissed drunk in a bar, and made out with some other girl (3). [So, there's a mention of three girls in the four lines above --> My question here is, should he really be thinking about getting Married?]

He's been chatting online with this girl. Everyday. They've met twice before. They meet again. Coffee's-Dinner-Dancing. They talk about dating..and he decides against it. Coffee's-Dinner-Dancing. She can't ignore her feelings. She tells him that. He thinks its a good idea they don't really meet or talk. Thereafter--> He messages, he calls. Coffee's-Dinner-Dancing. She’s finally trying to move on. He asks her out. She's elated. He goes out of town. Comes back with a change of mind. She's pissed But Coffee's-Dinner-Dancing continues. He's drunk. He asks her out again – he says he’s sure (it looks). Coffee? -A Nice Dinner-No Dancing. One week. She expresses her unhappiness sometimes. Opportunity blinks for him again. He backs down. She goes out of town, and decides that he's out of her system. The End. [Here’s a man* that loves the chase. And here's a woman who just realised that, and is not fueling the car* Anymore.]

There's a lot to add to the list... but to sum it all up...in the last one year I've seen the funniest kinds. Its like a cosmic bundle of confused souls. Some enjoy the chase. Some are satisfied when they've got what they want. Some take their partners for granted. Some cherish it all.

Its like a puzzle...you can make it when you want..leave some pieces out, fix them back...mix them all up, and pack it in a box. Only rarely, when the puzzles complete, and the picture looks so pretty, you seal it all up, frame it up and hang it on your wall.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

Ego Googling!

2006-11-22T13:13:00.000Z

The classic multicoloured Google logo has now turned personal! Now the power of Google, or at least its logo, can be yours.Go here and type in your own name. You’ll see. It gives “ego Googling” a whole new meaning. Save the link as your homepage!

(Sneha, I picked this from your blog coz I think its veryyyy kewl ;)

Mine LOL... !
http://charlies-stuff.fragism.com/google/google.php?name=Neha

The First One

2006-11-20T20:36:00.000Z

Someone I knew longggggg ago just forwarded me back the first poem I wrote in my Life..This one's written in 7th grade...which was the year of 1997!

“You like me too ……!”

Anger that’s brewing,
And a storm’s out raging,
Things so mute,
Its not encouraging,
To see you go by,
With a smile on your face,
And not being able to talk,
How separate are our ways.

I know ITS all yours,
But I can’t help deny it,
My mind and IT agree,
The question is - to what degree?
IT never changes the thoughts
That thrive and live in IT,
Its my mind that’s flickering,
If only the future weren’t so bickering.

IT aches as I think about,
The life that IT holds,
I only hope you never change
‘coz I like you now, its very strange,
And I know for sure,
ITS there with you,
I have no doubt
That you like me too!

-N.

And this is what I looked like back then... !!!

Adieu...

2006-11-14T06:40:00.000Z

Written each paragraph at a different time... so bear with the disjointed sounding verses!
(-N)

Staring into space
A silent smile - creeped across my face
..when he passed me by.

A neverending gaze
An undying chase -can't stop loving him
....and I don't know why.

Was in Love...but it made me sigh
Will leave him here - can't invite into my life
...a man that makes me cry.

No road.
No bend.
Reached the end.
Goodbye wishes....I promise to send.

Home-Sweet-Home

2006-10-26T10:03:00.001+01:00

Home is Where the Heart is...

21 years in Bombay (I'm sorry, more than half my life its been called Bombay- So its going to Remain 'Bombay' for me, and not Mumbai - just sounds uncool :)) ....never did I think I would be able to live A.N.Y.W.H.E.R.E else... After vacations for 20 days, I would start missing the city...never in my dreams did I think I'd actually move out of there.

The transition has been smooth however...Had bits of Pune before and lots of Bombay, then Sheffield for a year and now lots of Pune, and bits of Bombay! So its been Bombay > Sheffield > Pune.

Pune's good. I feel Home. I miss Sheffield....and when I was there, I'd miss Bombay. But Pune's not really allowing me to miss Bombay. Maybe its just how I like to live.. its alive yet quiet, has malls and mountains, a fast life that slows down as it gets dark...Perfect.

Having E-Square right opposite doesn't exactly fit into the 'peaceful' scene.. Karaoking, movies, food, food and more food... Makes me chirpy.

Its nice to stay with Mom & Dad again... 3 years Bombay + 1 year Sheffield --> Its now my oppurtunity to make up for the lost time, for the time I couldn't spend with them because I was away....

Its even nicer, 'coz for once Neerav's around too (Neha-Boarding-->Neerav-Bombay; Neha-Bombay-->Neerav-Singapore; Neha-Bombay--> Neerav-Pune; Neha-Sheffield-->Neerav-Pune-------------------Finally Neha-PUNE-->Neerav-Pune)! Nothing's better than having everyone around..

Offcourse, additions to the family --> Don and Zara [ Dad wanted to call them 'Veer Zara'...thank god for small mercies- our wishes prevailed, and 'Don' stuck on] (Can't help it, filmi blood)

Besides the fact that I have a good job and am looking at doing a 100 things more, drowning myself in work is perfect way to avoid any other complications. However, a complication is welcome :)

Pune 'Ppl' --> Will not blog my ideas on this one.. this is a topic of private chat :)
Been meeting all kinds..some who touch my heart and some that make me want to pull my hair out.... Like I've said before - Variety ;) is good.

All for now......Home is where the Heart is. I'm Home.
Finally.

Thesis Writing...

2006-08-26T13:07:00.000+01:00

Since this "event" has taken up maximum time of my life in the last few months...the least it deserves is a few words of acknowledgement(?) on my Blogspot!

For the most recent things I have done with respect to Thesis writing...I walk out of the house at 11:30 pm..its a Friday night..Sheffield's partying...Neha & Kevin are walking to the IT center to get some work done in a "controlled environment". Controlled environment refers to the facts that we do not waste time in 'futile chatting' and other nonsense on the internet (I yet logged on to Webmessenger and chatted, but it was not futile!)...

Well, before we got into this "controlled environment"...Kevin & I thought about how we'd always remember working-on-our-thesis-sincerely But there's no spice to that, is there? It sounds like a normal thing for a Masters student to do... Now, the question posed here is - Are We Normal Masters students?? Nahhhh.....SO - we decide to prove the fact.. (To who? No one but ourselves!) We turn around, spot a bar, 2 Sambuca's each, we like variety :) so Cinnamon and Cranberry (Cranberry's better), enter the IT center, Kev eats, and then.....Discussion-Results-Statistics-Yadayada.................................and the night went on. And the Masters students were back to work in the "controlled environment".....

At the moment, I have "bits" left in it.. I patiently await a response from my supervisor.. who I think I have managed to thoroughly ConFuSe :) with all my interpretation.

See, this is what I mean, I'm trying to think about what to write about my Thesis-writing-trip...... and all I can think of really is my Sambuca night!

I have never stayed up nights for anything else, never sacrificed my sleep before, never written anything so sincerely....and at this moment, I feel, never ever before have I wished so badly to get DONE with something!!

The Happiest Minute in my Life - September 1, 2006, 2:oo pm GMT : When Theresa (Dept. Secretary) has my Thesis in her hand, Printed and Binded. Finito.

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

2006-08-18T14:03:00.000+01:00

Allright, so I'm in the midst of my Thesis writing...and August 11 Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna is meant to release...and ooooooH, am I excited or what!? I've seen Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Ghum about 10 times (if not more)...and am Obviously going to see Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (better known as 'KANK'.........which turned out be anything but swank).

I pre-book my tickets (and yes, that's the maximum importance any movie can get from me - I PRE-BOOKED the tickets) and decide to go, and take poor Adilji along (I'd have to pity him, 'coz I put him through 3-hours-something of 'what-was-that'!)..........only to come out of the theater feeling exhausted(!) and highly disappointed.

Ok, now what was Amitabh thinking when he decided to put whatever-animal-fur-shackles around his wrists and jump at Abhishek on his wedding morning? Sorry, but that image has shattered and scarred my perception of Sr.Bachchan for life. I just now have to hang on to my memories of him singing 'Yeh Kahaan Aa Gaye Hum' with Jaya.....instead of 'Rock and Roll Soniye'..................Bachchanji, doesn't your magnanimous voice ask you 'yeh kahaan aa gaye hum?'

Allright, I'm being way too hard on him. Yes, he looked very "Kewl" with the Blue and Red frames.. and his attachment to his son and daughter-in-law is shhhweeet but what I can say for him "justifying his womanizing streaks" to fulfilling his dead wife's aakhri ichaa that he should "do what he couldn't do when she was there"...

All I can think of is he-wanted to sleep with sooo many women who he would name 'Saturday-Sunday-Whatever-day' even when he was with his wife..! And hey what cheek - he announces it in front of his son too?!

Ok, now that I've stripped the character apart (Truth is, he's such a fabulous actor that he made me dislike him with one role, he played it that well..Lol..that's just me consoling myself)

I haven't much to say about Preity and Abhishek (whose HOT or What?). I just feel really sorry for them, they tried...

No mercy for SRK and Rani... they brought it upon themselves. Rani, if you didn't love the man, why did u marry him? Please don't give the majboori rubbish. If you can dress like a 21st Century Woman, then please think and act like one too. And SRK, get over your fat-male-ego, it is because of your circumstances that your wife had to work harder. If you'll switched roles for the bread winner of the house, A.p.p.r.e.c.i.a.t.e it... don't go about terrorizing your child and wife! If you want her home, then support the house the way she did. Fair Enough?

At the end of the movie, I just ended up feeling that their 'love' was being justified. And I just couldn't relate to it. There's a million reasons why we fall out of love, why our partners lose interest, why we look at another man/woman for our happiness.. and each individual has his/her own reason...You may be able justify it, you may not.

I wouldn't blame a woman whose husband is never around, and doesnt care for her at all - if she looks at another man.. But Abhishek wasn't like that. It was Rani's fault, if she was chasing some feeling..which she never had in the first place.

Allright, you might say, the movie shows that many people DO this..marry in no hope of finding love...But get over it people, arranged marriages are dying out, and if you're single, you're single. If you're just "marrying" to be "married" then - you seriously need help. (And may god blessings be with you and your partner!)

If you're getting arranged, then come to terms with the system, that love may or may not happen (if you ever are capable of encompassing the feeling ever)...Learn that it's the compromise you made from the start, its a committment, stick to it...YOU consented for it, don't hurt your partner in the bargain for no fault of his.

And if you think you were in love, and it died out...get out of it..its better late than never.

Who I lovedddd in the movie, the Cute Kid.. who gave the goalie the football in his hand.

I liked some of the reality in the movie, how SRK calls his son names (idiot etc.) which many parents do without realising how it scars the child, and lots of other scenes in the movie which were handled so sensitively. Not to mention the fact that I was probably the one laughing loudest in the theater when Rani goes home to Abhishek (Sr.Bachchan and his mates!) with a whip.... Kudos to some of the humour, it was whoopee, and Phunnnnyyyyy!!!

Ok, this blogspot is a break to the mundane life I am currently living (which only involves writing, writing and more writing)...so its not in my nature to do a critique of movies...I shall now go back to work....with a heavy heart...thesis calling!

Serendipity

2006-08-18T01:32:00.000+01:00

Is it the close proximity or the distance which brings this out in me?

Words outspoken, feelings unread
Talks extempore, reasons unsaid
The zing of tension between our souls
Warranted & wanted
…remain unexplained.

The first time our eyes met,
I surrendered to the moment
I froze my thoughts, looked away
there was nothing for me say
…because I’m not sure what happened.

Unsure what this force is
Unsure of your smile
Unsure of your words
It’s going to take me a while
…to figure out why two people get attracted to each other.

Opposite poles have got to attract
Nature passed the rule
You’re the north and I’m the south
Attraction, love, a magnet – tell me
…is it a superficial tool?

....So, is it the close proximity or the distance that’s going to bring this out in you?

An Endless Tape

2006-08-18T01:19:00.000+01:00

Never seen my love flow
And never felt it grow
Smooth, white, it layers up
Soft, gentle drizzling snow…

I dream of nights in your arms
I fear your eyes, I fear its deadly warns
Of my imperfections
When uncertainty dawns…

Can I press record for this time in life and let this tape play forever?
Choice to pause, but I wouldn’t dare
I choose to stare, and remotely care
For anything but your words that I lose myself in…

I want to fast-forward and see where this ends
Never heard of an endless tape
So, let me stop, let me smile before the time bends
Before it forces me to leave my space…

My space of tranquil
Where I want to belong
My hearts passed its verdict
Do u feel the same,
…the wants, the fear and the rush that I do?

You Passed Me By...

2006-08-16T00:03:00.000+01:00

I sit here in G.07 Space...Looking out of the window. My room overlooks Broomhall Street....a nice looking peaceful (sometimes!) lane, which unfortunately winds uphill (I hate walking UP the hill) and leads to the Royal Hallamshire Hospital...where my wonderful Human Nutrition department has just shifted. It is only my fortune that we were the last batch to have the privilege of taking a bus to Northern General Hospital, which is so farrrrrr away, every single day of the year.

Back to my window, I sit on the sill (if you can call this one, it merges with the floor!) and what do I do with a cup of coffee in my hand...I watch people go by..

New faces everyday..

-Kids, mothers, babies, prams, dogs, homosexuals, bunches of bitchy chicks, beggars, handicaps, drunk, stoned peeps...

-Blue,green,purple,yellow,red haired peeps...

-Chinese, Indian, Greek, African, all-the-ones-I-cant-make-out, off course, English peeps...

-Swearing, screaming, giggling, bawling, bitching, throwing up, crapping (yes, its true), noisily skating, and off course, not-saying-anything-quietly-walking-by peeps...

Basically, peeps of all kinds :)

Now my point... is that there is none. This is a pointless, time-wasting, absurd, aimless, fruitless, futile, inane, inconsequential, ineffective, ineffectual, insignificant, irrelevant, meaningless, nongermane, nonsensical, not pertinent, powerless, purportless, senseless, silly, stupid, unnecessary, unproductive, unprofitable, useless, vague, and worthless use of my time!

Nevertheless, I will keep at it..my pointless hobby serves one purpose - It kills my time, which is what this blog is doing right now as well. I should go back to work........Thesis calling!

My Favourite Colour

2006-08-15T23:53:00.000+01:00

This has got to be one of my favourite poems I've written till date...Do not bother trying to analyse who I've written it for...It's the outcome of my feelings and fiction :)

There’s a picture- that’s not black or white; grey isn’t it either
Red describes it best; and blue is what he sees

There’s a story- it hasn’t a start or an end; continuous- it isn’t either
Moments put together is what describes it best; and the book-review is all he reads

There’s a girl- she’s knows not what is love; a reason, a season or a lifetime?
All three- she concludes best; and treason is all he sees

There’s one who’s positive- and one whose not; deliberate- an effort, truly fought
Against all odd ratios of being lost; trying to not let him down, distance is all she got.

All she needs, is to know that she’s done; with making and breaking
The inner and the underneath; because uncertainty drives her out

Reached a point where she can’t call him, or even hear herself talk
Can’t see, or speak, or feel the warmth- she did once on this walk

Nights not slept, she’s never felt; her heart race, like it did- when he touched her arm
She can’t let go- till she realizes so; that it’s not him that she wants.

There’s a picture- that’s not black or white; grey isn’t it either
Blue describes it best; He was my favorite color