Because you caught my attention

Description of love is from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin:

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to meet every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away... (Iannis to Pelagia)

Note: there are two versions of this quote, one from the book and a slightly different version from the movie.

Shot time!

The meaning of 'shot' has changed from an 'alcohol dense liquid in a tiny glass that makes you spin' to immunizations Vivan takes against tongue twisting names of infections and diseases.

Thankfully, he doesn't cry much.

The poor guy has had about 6-7 shots already and has two more to go this month. Then we can rest in peace till "6-9 months". I'm pretty sure I'll be going around 9 months, not sooner.

Its shot time today! Be brave.

Shit, really.

Sitting on the couch, Vivan hanging on to my two fingers with all his little tiny fingers...huffing and puffing, trying to hurl himself forward to sit up straight.

Suddenly, "Shit, I'm stuck." Well literally, it was shit. I couldn't get up in the fear of his poop dripping all over the sofa. It was disgusting, yet the funniest thing that had happened all day. All I needed was some real shit to change the shitty day I was having.

I haven't stop smiling ever since.

A baby changes your life

A baby changes your life.

You discover joy and fear can coexist within you, not for moments but for minutes, hours and days together. A baby shakes up your insides, well literally during pregnancy, and continues to do so even after arriving in the world outside. Your life feels so out of control but complete. It really is a strange cocktail of feelings.

After all the initial noise, you settle down into your routine with the baby, and cry. Everyone has gone back to normal life. Your parents and in-laws are back to their lives and come to spend time "only when he is awake", your husband goes back to his work, everyone returns to at least some part of their "normal" life, whereas you are left home with your first child. You may have read a 100 books, but the truth is you have no ***king clue if you're doing the right thing. You discover trust. Trust in yourself. Your baby affirms your trust, by pooping and sleeping right. Simple rewards for a tough life.

Life goes on. Everyday, you look for change. A simple smile or gurgle makes you feel on the top of the world. Every day that passes is a single more day he has grown up. A single more day that you've been a good mom. A great mom, actually. I'm proud of myself.

8th April, 2011... 10:31 am!

14 hours of labour and one surgery where I was half awake, a baby arrived in this world and a mother was born.

My first child, my life, my soul. Vivan.

Paranoia Uncalled For...PUFFF

Now every pregnant woman, especially pregnant "Indian" women are subjected to various degrees of torture related to advice, paranoia and guilt related to their pregnancy.

Whether it is what you wear, what you eat, where you go and what you do - every older woman has something to say about what is the 'right' thing to do now.

Fact being all these "wise" women have been through either one or two or three pregnancies maximum and any pregnant woman with a practical mind knows that each pregnancy is very different from the other.

The only people who really have experience and have seen 100's of women pregnant are gynacs and midwives. Midwives are not so big in the city - so that leaves you with gynacs only.

Recently I've met pregnant women that eat 'kesar' four times a day, drink 3 liters of milk, wear only white clothes, stopped working in the 5th month even though they have a normal pregnancy and basically behave like they are ill or have a disease.

Off course, pregnancy demands special care but today, unlike maybe 25 years ago, there is a myriad of information available. Good books and a selected few authentic websites are great for everyone. So if my mother followed silly advice when she was pregnant, I don't really blame her, because she didn't know any better BUT TODAY when women do stupid things, I blame only them. There are good doctors out there, informative prenatal classes, and good books, so no excuse.

Sometimes when people tell me certain things, I really wonder if they really think I don't care enough about my baby?

Fact being is that I care the most.

Fact being that when they pester you, they don't realize they are hassling the mother, and when the mother gets worked up, it affects the baby.

Im 2/3rd down my journey of pregnancy and I know the finale is yet to come (and be there for life!) but I know one thing already... being in touch with your body, understanding what you need and giving yourself what you need at the right time is the most important thing. And the only people who can help you with this is you yourself and your doctor, and nobody else.

So for all the pregnant women there, I have to end this post with a couple of wise words :)

I have no advice for You, because nobody knows you and your baby better than you.

9 months...and Forever!

23 weeks, Day 3

Milestones

6 weeks = Discovered I am pregnant

7 weeks = Heard baby's heart beat for the first time

12 weeks = Discovered baby had a potential problem

20 weeks = Discovered relief. Was told baby is absolutely fine and doing well!

21 weeks = Felt baby kick for the first time

Its been almost 6 months of complete madness. Everything from discovering that I am pregnant especially after a crazy Paris trip where I did everything that I shouldn't be doing in a pregnancy to taking a swine flu injection in my 4th week, to high NTs, hormones, scans scans and more scans, amniocentesis, karyotyping for all, genetic counseling, crazy work scenarios, clothes not fitting, pregnancy classes, random accidents, brother's wedding preparations to moving HOME!

It's been a crazy 6 months.

Till month 5, I did not even know if I was finally going to be a parent or not, but whether I accepted it or not, I knew was a mother already. Praying for my baby's well-being everyday, taking care of myself because it meant taking care of baby including doing silly things I would never have done otherwise only because 'it maybe good for baby'. :)

Its been 6 months of independent decisions: everything from doctor shopping to my decision to continue working.

Its been 6 months of independent thought: most people around me have no clue what I am going through. Most people automatically alienate the company that they cannot relate to anymore. Its happening to me and I do not even want to fight it. I know that some day, they will be where I am, and thankfully, they will have one person who understands them.

Its been 6 months of patience and faith: Every single time I was explained my options when things weren't going right, I truly believed they were just telling the worst case scenario just because they are doctors and that preparing me for the worst was the right thing for them to do.

I will be lying if I say I wasn't scared. I was more scared than I have ever been in my life...because this time, it wasn't only about me. But the only thing that helped me survive is true patience and faith that the final outcome will be what I truly want. All I told myself is that: "Nothing good in life comes easily, have patience. Your faith will never let you down, have patience. " I now know this works for everything.

I am not sure what kind of mother I will be, or what kind of mother I want to be. I don't know whether I will be great or not, I just know that I want to do everything I can in my means to do things right, and have faith and patience that everything will be perfect.

6 months down and 3 more to go, some work to complete, one house to move and Neerav's wedding..and baby will be here. 2011 is going to be an eventful year...I cannot wait.

Hopefully, I will continue writing. There's a lot to do, but not really, till baby arrives. After that, maybe all I will be doing is posting baby pictures.

I've heard they speak a thousand words.

Roller Coaster..

If there is one word that describes my life for the last few months: Roller Coaster

Seen castles made out of sand,

Met people who believe that destiny is engraved on the palm of their hand,

Seen people change their faith,

Experience love change into hate.

Seen people get younger with age,

Seen a bird who wouldn't fly out of an open cage,

Seen love sold for money,

People devastated but still funny.

Seen the unicorn fall in love with the toad,

People who owned the city now hitting the road,

I have learnt to expect the unexpected,

Perfection doesn't exist - we're all defective.

Everyone cries - some just hide the tears,

Whether you like it or not - you have to face your fears,

Some believe you're one in a million,

Some believe you're just a nobody in a billion.

Live life with all that you have,

Cherish every moment -happy and sad,

Feel blessed for whatever you are,

Life has its own plans -which aren't always at par.

The Colour of My Sky

Everyday I woke up,

To a night I hadn't slept,

Broken dreams and black skies,

Holding back tears, unwept.

The timing is confusing,

But the feelings are right,

Before it materializes,

You'll be out of sight.

You sit next to me,

Holding my soul in your hand,

I dream that this will last forever,

If I wave a magic wand.

Tomorrow I'll be gone,

And you'll never know how I feel,

Back to the dark skies,

In reverse I roll my wheels.

Will I ever find the courage to tell?

I know I don't have forever to dwell,

Will I ever see the light of the day?

Please tell me there is another way.

Which way?

My life...my head...feels like this picture. I know I'll come out alive...but where do I go?

Change is Constant

Fireworks and stage-fright
They came out alive,
Midnight to breakfast
The adrenaline I survived.

Coffee and kisses
After many near misses,
Dreams in dishes
And kennels full of wishes.

The day that they met yours
My heart knew what it meant,
My eyes never fail me
Its the letter you sent.

The present we live in
And the future we fear,
Till we don't try
It will never be clear.

We put away smiles and serenity
and our minds that cloud,
By minutes and moments
Filled with uncertainty and doubt.

If you've changed your plans
Its okay to tell,
Don't torture yourself
Don't brood, don't dwell.

Change is constant
And it will always be,
Change is constant
And I hope its Me.